The Journey to Here...
The day I had to accept that I was an alcoholic was Friday 5th May when I drove my dad's car way over the limit and crashed it into another car. I've been signed off sick by the Doctor (new one in Coldingham) with Anxiety and Excess Alcohol as the reason - this will be extended and I am in the process of applying for ESA.
Always drank too much since my teens but I could function - only over the past four years of study that's it's gotten out of hand - gradual increase over those four years which concluded with car crash over the limit.
Pressure of Masters and fear of failure culminated in complete meltdown weekend of Friday 2nd February - train to london, flight to Bangkok. Was intending on just walking off into the world, not caring if I lived or died. Never see family or home again. I only travelled home 3 days later because I couldn't hurt my mum. Didn't care about myself.
Once I got back I realised I couldn't cope alone in Edinburgh - Resigned from job and left my accomodation and moved to my mums in Coldingham. Devastated but had to be realistic - I was heading for oblivion. Work offered support for me to stay on but I just can't cope being alone to my own devices now and need to be in company or I will just drink myself to death.
Car crash:21 month ban, 40 hours community service, 12 months probation - still in system now and get monthly phone call to check on my progress/provide support. At this stage they think I'm still in Edinburgh and this is something I need to address in next support call. Never been in trouble with Police before and this has had a severe effect on me, my opinion of myself and my confidence/self-esteem.
Feel worthless and a failure. Failed my family. Led to profound change in my drinking - epic binge sessions over 4/5 days. Since May which should have been rock bottom I've had periods of abstinence followed by meltdowns/mental health breakdowns and epic/dangerous alcohol consumption. Tried so hard but it's got a hold of me. Attended AA in Newcastle, Eyemouth, Dunbar and latterly Edinburgh - still drank alcohol - people spoke about rehab there.
Breakdowns especially severe when in the run up to a stressful event: house move - 3 day bender before my dad and brother arrived to help me move - I was useless and they ended up doing it all - suicidal thoughts vocalised. Drunken meltdowns before probation sessions. Drunken meltdowns before community service. Had to quit two jobs as a result of these meltdowns - fear of public speaking led to massive anxiety and therefore epic drinking.
Messed up relationships with family friends I was staying with - hid in my room drinking and ended up having to go home. Family beside themselves - last chance saloon - if I drink at my mums I'm out and it's a homeless hostel or the street.
After new year sat down with family members and worked out plan of action going forward (which hasn't worked but is shown below)
We want to provide constructive support to you but we also need to make sure that we’re not doing things that make us feel uncomfortable/unhappy!We all agreed that:· Your recovery from alcoholism needs to be driven by you – and you are keen to be independent from us to achieve that· You want to achieve a stable routine in Edinburgh to help with your overall wellbeing and enable you to make a start on the Steps programme· For the next couple of weeks you’re going to focus on attending AA every day possible so that you can get a sponsor and build your support network there, and continue to go to AA going forward· You are also going to prioritise going to the Doctors and the Recovery hub to see about medical/counselling support you can get· And making a plan for the next couple of months with **nice things** in Edinburgh will help you with achieving a positive routine (and we’re all happy to help with that – just ask!)We also talked about a plan in case you do fall off the wagon again. Obviously really hope that that won’t happen, but if it does:· We won’t be able to provide you with accommodation· If you ring us, we will direct you to professional support – we can’t help in that situation and it would be more constructive to talk to someone who can· The attached document provides some useful information and contacts that will be able to help too. If you want to add any other info to the sheet that you think you might want in case that happens, obviously go for it.
Registered with and attended alcohol support services in Gateshead (Gateshead Evolve) and Northumberland (Northumberland Recovery Partnership). Had one on one sessions/assessments with both and advised to attend AA which I did but this has not been enough for me. Also spoke to Edinburgh Hub about support but they advised that I should access services in Borders if I am living there.
I take medication for Anxiety (Setraline 150 mg per day) and for alcohol (Acamprosate/Campral along with Thiamine daily. Been on this medication since start of September 2017. Not capable of working until I can get a handle on my alcohol and have a sustained period of sobriety - never been past two months.
Reading book about reprogramming brain relating to thoughts of alcohol and also practicing meditation and getting lots of fresh air/exercise/healthy eating. Writing private recovery blog and looking at triggers, urges and strategies for coping. I'm in a false world at my mums - I would never drink here but it's when I get out into the real world that I've not been able to cope.
Anxiety triggers meltdowns with alcohol and vice versa. Feel I need counselling/rehab to get me through this - I'm a person full of potential - passed degree with a 1st, Merit for Masters and got the job I said I would in Edinburgh. Everything I said I would do I did! But just not been able to cope because of alcohol and it's ruined my life when it should be a world of opportunity.
I've hit rock bottom - hard to see a future when you've had to quit your dream job, leave your home and move back in with your mum when you're 38 years old. Family see rehab as only answer and I'm inclined to agree. Putting pressure on to get into rehab services/get the ball rolling at least. Staying at my mums isn't a long term solution.Need some help to get through this!