AA - Step 2!
Step 2: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
We Agnostics & Appendix II – Reflections on reading:
Having read both pieces of writing my immediate reflections were of relief! The overwhelming message I took was that I need not be a dedicated Christian or follow any religious way of life whatsoever. Further to this I realised that I need not continually question the concept of a higher power and that the most successful left their questions at the door and embraced it. This is something I feel that I have/am also buying into.
The chapter filled me with hope and if anything has reinforced my view that in order to restore myself to wholeness I must fully engage with the programme and leave any previous preconceptions behind. The way I will say sober is with this programme. This is clear to me. As described further in this writing, my higher power is working in to support me on multiple levels and the evidence it is working is all around me.
Written Inventory – Insanity
What is my understanding of my own sanity and insanity? (The Big Book authors define sanity as sane and sound (69:2) [healthy, whole] Insanity is a lack of proportion, of the ability to think straight (37:1), and crazy is an appalling lack of perspective (5:5)]
My own sanity entails me having a clear focus on the structure of my life and the relationships I have with others. I am able to carry out actions and make decisions with a clear state of mind and with clarity. My sanity allows me to understand how to look after my physical and mental health and show compassion towards others.
My only real experience of insanity was during the time that I drank alcohol. As the definition explains, I carried out the same act (picking up a drink and continuing to drink) time after time, all the while deluding myself that the outcome would not be the same terrible situation – pain for me and those who cared for me. The blinding desire to drink took over my whole life and lead me to think I could control it. Only I couldn’t and the power it had over me was so strong that I went through the same process 1000’s times. True insanity on reflection!
What things have I repeatedly done that move me towards my own destruction?
Continuing from above, I have blinded myself into thinking that I would be able to consume just a few drinks and still be able to function, each time this turning out to be the opposite. Some classic examples pertinent to me are listed below:
Thinking I can have just one bottle of wine when I have to work the next day – then ending up drinking three and being ruined for work the next day
Thinking I can have just a couple of drinks then going on a date – a recipe for disaster which I have never learned from.
Having a couple of drinks and then driving – for which I paid a very high cost.
Drinking before seeing family – a couple of glasses before I got the train became two bottles, or worse.
On every occasion there was a bad result that harmed me and those around me. Almost like drinking alcohol flicked a masochistic switch and all hell preceded to break loose.
How has my life been out of balance? Have I lacked perspective? How and When?
When I consume alcohol it becomes all encompassing. There is no room for a proper balance. When I am sober I can balance my personal and work life with relative ease. I find room for my family and other personal projects. I manage my diary and find time and commitment for everything in my life. At times it can seem difficult but I find a way to manage my life in a structure way. When I drink alcohol this all comes crashing down. Alcohol will not let any other areas of my life in. My whole life is consumed by my drinking, when I’m not drinking I’m either sleeping or thinking about my next drink. Balance is impossible. This leads to a complete lack of perspective – how can I see the bigger picture (my work, my family, friends, hobbies), when all I want to do is drink alcohol. It’s like a destructive blindfold that when wearing it I can only see alcohol.
In what ways does my insanity say that things outside myself can make me whole or fix all my problems?
This is a tough one to get my head around as the only was insanity (alcohol) does is delude me. I kid myself that I’m keeping it together and that I’ll be able to cope with the other elements of my life. On one side I know that I won’t be able to cope but on the other much stronger side (the alcohol induced side) I plough on regardless and watch as my life falls apart around me. Alcohol, and therefore insanity, closes off the outside world and leads me to think that my problems either don’t exist, are manageable, or can be put off until next time.
Written Inventory - Came to Believe
What does the phrase came to believe, mean to me? (59:2) What do I believe in?
To me this means something of an awakening, even an epiphany. This could be sudden or over a period of time but not necessarily a Eureka moment! It suggests that some form of proof or evidence has been put before us in order for us to believe.
Personally I believe in the power of the human spirit along with the power of togetherness and community. I also believe in hard work – if you want something you work hard to make it happen. Further to this I believe in science and fact. I believe that there are unwritten rules and laws that govern nature and the world around us. I don’t believe in a religious god.
What are my negative thoughts, feelings, attitudes or beliefs that block my spirituality?
Spirituality has connotations of religion to me which I have always seen as illogical and false. It also reminds me of hippies and psychics and other ways of life which I don’t really find palatable. I’ve always been of a more concrete belief in science and fact. If someone told me they were spiritual I might see them as meek and a bit wet! I’m conscious that these are my own prejudices that I will need to work on.
Can I believe that I can get well? Why? How, and in what ways?
I have to believe I can get well as it is the reason I get out of bed in the morning. I believe that the only way I can get well and stay well is through AA. I have come to realize that going to meetings is not enough for me, I must learn and practice the twelve steps with the help of my sponsor. Imbuing myself into the programme, along with the love and support within AA meetings, helps me build hope for the future and resilience against alcohol. Hearing not only success stories but also struggles helps me in this process. An other important element is being able to give service and help others around me.
Written Inventory - Higher Power
What is a power greater than myself?
This is a force which can achieve feats which I myself alone am unable to achieve. It is larger than the sum of the parts of just one individual. It can protect, support and help you believe that recovery is possible. It will build faith in it and also faith in the individual. A religious God is a classic example of a percieved higher power.
What are my grievances against a higher power?
In the past and currently I hold a deep suspicion of religious and the benefits it can bring. Wherever you look you see pain caused by religion which I’ve always thought completely outweighed the positives. It’s in my nature not to want to see people being hurt so I find it hard to praise a higher power that may cause harm.
What is the evidence that a higher power is working in my life?
I find no evidence of a religious god working in my life. I do see that my chosen higher power (my support network, largely AA itself) is working in my life. Those connected to me support and help me very often even without my knowledge. When those who are part of my higher power help me in good faith, this helps me to grow stronger and have more faith in myself and my recovery. The evidence is shown with all the positive actions which are carried out in my name – the words of encouragement from AA members, the love of my family and the encouragement from my doctor and other healthcare professionals. The list of evidence could be endless.
What are the characteristics my higher power does not have?
My higher power is not a god with a big white beard up in heaven.
My higher power does not have supernatural powers which will automatically save me from alcohol without effort of my own.
I can pray to my higher power but I am unsure if I will receive a response.
I do not have to go to church to communicate with my higher power, they are all around me.
My higher power does not have a one size fits all answer to addiction – I must work with my higher power to live a happy and sober life.
What characteristics DOES my higher power have? [If you choose, you can use this understanding of a higher power as a beginning for now].
My higher power is compassionate towards me and others.
My higher power has the ability to advise me, but just as importantly, will listen to my thoughts and ideas.
My higher power is patient with me and realizes that to err is to be human.
My higher power is not judgmental or cynical of my intentions.
My higher power can guide me along my road to recovery but cannot do this without my own effort.
My higher power has already opened up new opportunities and I believe as I recover then more of these will become apparent.
Written Inventory - Restored to Sanity
From Latin sanitas “sanity, health, being whole, sound or well” What type of sanity is Step 2 referring to?
Step 2 refers to a sanity which is attained by removing alcohol and the fog it envelops around your whole life. Removing alcohol will allow us to still have the opportunity and the means to be “sane, healthy, whole, sound and well”. It does not guarantee that we will be those things but by removing alcohol we give ourselves a clear mind and body in order to achieve them.
Where in my life do I need sanity now?
I am effectively trying to rebuild my life from the bottom up due to the terrible consequences of my alcohol abuse. I need my sanity to rebuild fractured or broken relationships with those around me. I need my sanity to have clarity in my direction and be able to look at rebuilding my career. I need my sanity to help rebuild my confidence and self esteem. And most importantly, I need my sanity to help me focus on staying sober, one day at a time.
How have I sought help from a higher power today?
When I woke this morning I spent twenty minutes reflecting on my reading of “Just for Today”. I didn’t ask my higher power for help but I reflected on how my higher power (my support network, mainly AA) had supported me already. Further to this I spent time thinking about the discussions I might have with the people in the AA fellowship in the future on how I could cope and build strategies for staying sober. I am still becoming accustomed to having a higher power and hope to develop my interaction further over the coming months.
Who do I know who is recovering well? What are they doing that is working?
The people who I know are recovering well, and the most successful ones seem to be those who have attended AA for a long period of time and have worked/are working on the 12 step programme. I believe that they have been so successful because they have embraced the 12 steps and thrown so much energy into going through the process. I tried previously to just attend meetings without the 12 steps and I failed each time. I need to also fully embrace the programme.
Have I sought help from my sponsor, gone to meetings, and reached out to other recovering alcoholics? What were the results?
Yes. Since I have moved into the area I have consistently attended meetings twice a week and build positive relationships with fellow AA members. Hearing their stories has inspired me and given me more hope that I can get to where they are. They have provided a compassionate and understanding voice and made me feel welcome into a community where before I felt totally alone.
Have I used a meeting or the fellowship as a higher power? What happened?
I decided to use my whole support network (including AA) as my higher power. As a whole they are indeed a power greater than myself and have set me on the road to sanity. The positive effects of my higher power only seem to grow with every day of sobriety and this has helped me get through each day.