Daily mindfulness..

Wednesday

I found that sitting upright was best position to be comfortable for exercises. I spent 15 minutes with my eyes closed and just letting my mind wander. I found myself very tense with a pressure in my chest which was frustrating. I usually only do guided meditation/mindfulness with instructions or a voice (or with another person) as if I'm left to my own minds inner voice I gravitate towards letting myself worry about my problems over and over and I just can't relax. It just makes me really anxious and stressed.

For the whole of my adult life I've listened to the radio (has to be someone talking, not music) in order for me to fall asleep. If there is silence I worry about my life and overthink things. On this first attempt I just couldn't stop thinking about my life and the issues/problems I face. I stopped after ten minutes as I just felt upset and angry with myself.

I did try again in the evening before going to bed but found that I still felt angry with myself, added with frustration that I just wasn't "getting" step 2. I resolved myself to try again in the morning and try and empty my mind of all the jumble.

Thursday

This morning I spent 15 minutes sitting silently in my room and allowing myself to drift. I did start wandering towards worries and anxieties but I tried to concentrate on my breathing and Eureka, I managed to escape those thoughts. During the final ten minutes I became more aware of the noises going on in the outside world, particularly the chorus of birdsong just outside the window. This was calming and I felt more at peace in myself. I thought about nature of its interlinking laws and processes which keep the world turning. I also considered my place in this world among all other living things. Over the past couple of days I have been questioning my whole purpose in a negative sense but this was different and I was more neutral when considering myself.

In the evening I spent another 15 minutes before bed. Felt like progress was made as I managed to avoid my worries and just focused on my breathing. After a few minutes I felt a warm feeling and also the feeling that I was starting to rotate and spin. This was a little dizzying but not unpleasant at all and I was completely calm throughout. The spinning pace increased and slowed with my breathing, so much so that I found I could control it. After I finished the quiet time it thought that this could be my brain showing I could take control of my jumbled mind but this was just a thought I had. Most importantly I've managed to find a way to be calm and move past the anxiety and start letting my mind truly wander.

Friday

This morning I again used my breathing to move myself away from thoughts of anxiety and worry. I found myself thinking about the world. I pictured myself rising up into the sky and looking down on the world. I felt and feeling of isolation but not an unpleasant one, as an outsider looking in with interest. I continued to look down on the world, considering it's systems and processes that make it work. Individual human beings were impossible to see that high up and were blotted out by more powerful systems, like the sea and weather. Not sure if this is the right thought process or not but this is where I'm being taken. More later this evening.

This evening as I sat with my eyes closed I concentrated on breathing and found myself calmer more quickly than before. Although I didn't see anything as such, in my minds eye I looked down upon myself from the outside. I observed the Owen down there who was frustrated and confused and probably angry too. Frustrated about just not "getting it". I observed the futility of those feelings and that they were just a hindrance to progress. Still finding this very hard.

Saturday

Stayed at my sisters so an unfamiliar setting this morning. Once again concentrated on my breathing and was soon feeling completely peaceful. Conscious again of the birds singing in the morning and endless system of nature that just keeps on going. Rather than try to block out I just embraced it. My mind wandered to thinking about making my family proud of me and then thought about how I would feel reaching a whole year sober and being able to vocalise it. Still not sure if I'm doing this right but really trying.

On Saturday evening I tried something different and listened to guided meditation exercise on breathing. There was only a small amount of talking from the guide and helped me focus in on my breathing and just be present in the room. Just felt completely at peace with myself and everyone in the world. During all of the exercises so far I've not seen anything suggested like colours etc but my imagination/minds eye is taking me places and making me consider things I might not otherwise.

Sunday

Spent the morning sessions focusing on my breathing and feels like I'm getting the hang of it as was relaxed almost straight away. Felt happy and safe but my mind did wander to thinking about certain stupid acts I'd carried out when drunk. Allowed myself to think about the negative effects these had on those close to me. This was not entirely unpleasant as it was like I was on the outside looking in as an independent person. I didn't get one done on Sunday evening as I was at my Dads and there was just so much noise going on in the house that I just couldn't concentrate when I tried.

Monday

Spent time during the session just feeling very calm and content. I reflected upon all the different parts of my higher power, all the different groups all working towards supporting me in one way or another. Tried to look upon them all as one structured energy, like a force of nature all pushing in the direction of my recovery.

This evening I spent more time focusing on my breathing. Again I went back to the pain I'd caused others, and again I was looking down from outside on my family who were so worried about me. They were in pain. This was not nice to imagine but I felt OK once it was over. In fact, each time I've done this I've felt revitalized but also very peaceful.

Tuesday

Spent both morning and evening meditations reflecting on my higher power and trying to look upon it as a more joined up energy that was a combination of all the support I'm the recipient of. Feel a lot calmer about the whole process that I did a week ago! Finding meditation easier and finally relaxing/letting go of anxieties is much, much easier after a bit of practice!